Riding Through it All ...

Well, while a lot of people groan and moan, simply yearning relentlessly after vacations, I detest them! Yeah, YOU HEARD ME RIGHT! I DETEST THEM! For one thing, you have too much time at your own disposal, and what happens is you develop what I call "lazy bones". You wake up at 11am every morning and spend another two hours simply tossing and turning, and before you know it, it's already 2pm and you still haven't had a drop of water--to name the least. Well after that you start racking brain for things to do but end up sucking at your favourite coffee shop. Then you find yourself staring into that tiny little screen of your phone for another 3 hours before you have no.better choices but to head back home again. Typical vacations indeed!

The two-week holiday is almost over, and it hasn't been awful. I could manage to go on a family trip to SR for two nights, though I doubt whether the first could be counted since we apparently spent exactly 13 hours on the road and only made it to SR at 8 30pm or so. And of course, I managed to have some time on my own like going to the gym and all. Speaking of which, I think I have been so much into gyming lately, probably because I want to regain my good shape and to have a ripped body, and also because working out can be surprisingly stress-relieving. Anyways, I know I still have a freaking long way to go before i am able to reap the fruits out of the whole on-and-off workout routine of mine, but you know what they say? Quitters never win and winners never quit! So yeah, the summer vacation lasts a few more days, and when the school starts, I will find myself frantically zooming here and there to get things done again! I like it, though. When I am busy, I feel productive!

It is 1: 11 AM in my dimly-lit bedroom! Usually at this time of the night, i feel at ease and relaxed, but definitely not tonight! I am feeling kinda stressed and tense, esp after the heated conversation on Facebook, and the sad phone call i received! So i end up blogging about my feeling, since i cannot share with anybody at this time of the night. Well, i have no idea what i am caught up in, and what i am witnessing! But i think it all becomes crystal clear now, and i have never expected things to turn out this way. I cannot help much, or maybe not at all! All i can do is just to stand on one side and wish this soon would pass!

Happy Mother's Day! Well, despite the fact that i am planning to buy my mum a cake and to give her a hug later on, I do not have any major plans! And after driving around for some time, here i am at Blue Pumpkin with strangers again. The view of the riverside is quite nice at this time, and sitting alone does not seem so bad at all! At the very least, i can see people across the street jogging, and some just simply sitting on the benches. The thing about this place is that 10 out of 10 times, there is no available space for my car parking. So today, i had no choice except to park my car somewhere near the Royal Palace and walk all the way from there. The walk was good, though! It did help loosen up my tense muscles, and yeah, it helped relieve the built-up stress.

This is Sat, and well, it's 6 30pm! I was driving around, and finally after some time of aimless driving, I stopped for a drink at Brown, the usual Green Tea Frappe, the refreshing one! Well, it is not so bad though i am surrounded by strangers, but at the very least, technically, i am not alone... And yeah, Brown is definitely not the place to do any works! It is just too crowded to even allow some moments for your brain to properly take a breath. But yeah, i guess people come here more to hang out and just to kill the time like what i am doing right now than to actually become any productive here...

Following one long week of sleep deprivation, here i am, SICK! As if the week-long fatigue and the frustrating runny nose were not ruining my life enough, I still do suffer from what i call this disease of "blanking out"! And without a proper make-up break solely dedicated for sleep, I am sure it is just a matter of weeks before I forget everyone's names @.@

I am at Brown 1, and the funny thing about it is that 6 out of 10 times that I chill out here, i bump into people I know, some of whom are friends and some others are acquaintances. Likewise, this time I am occupying the seat, my favourite seat, which is very close to the entrance glass door, and from where I am slumping so comfortably, I can at the same time enjoy the various displays of scenes just right outside through the glass pane. And i happen to be sitting just one seat away from this couple whom i get to recognize on IFL campus, but whom I never get a chance or means to interact with. I know the guy's name, though! His name is Sousachak! And i guess--taking into account the intimate way of how he interacts with the girl sharing the seat with him--the girl is his girlfriend! I am positive that he knows me as well, seeing me on and off quite often on campus too, but there are no signs indicating the embarrassment at all! Embarrassment because of the fact that he is so glued ...

I attended Mov's sis's wedding last night, and it felt good to be able to catch up with bong Hok, Sreyleak, Leang, and bong Meng again. It felt just like one of those olden days when i was a lot younger and a lot more innocent and when i looked up to them as my fraternal brothers. Anyways I happened to share this table with this newly-wedded couple. There was nothing particularly special about them despite the fact that they are young, as young as i am, and they are married! I secretly observed how both of them interacted, and i could feel the chill running up my arms. I could feel the sweetness coming out from those little words they said to each other, from those mere gaze in each other's eyes. All the while, i thought to myself, "Well, getting married at that young age isn't bad at all!" And then it made me brood over this concept that the older you get, the more about the romantic elements are lost!

"Stuck in the past" ... "nothing new"... "stuck in the past"..."nothing new"... "stuck in the past"... It gets so lame now! I feel i have been struggling all along all alone to cherish nothing but "forgettable" memories... Oh dear God! The word like "feel" and "memories" sound lame too! Maybe the time has finally come, the time to let go! It is damn tiring to hold so tightly onto something all alone when others have already loosened their grip... damn tiring indeed! I think I have centered my life around it for so long that it is almost a mere impossibility to picture my life without it, but then it gets to the point where everything about it is so upsetting that letting go is a smarter choice... It is probably a lot easier to lead a more self-centered, selfish life... People are selfish! Friends are selfish! I am at this point in life where i learn that while friends can count on me, I can't count on t...

Life has been hectic for the first twenty days of 2011, and I can barely have a breather to gasp for fresh air, but as a matter of fact, though I am having a bit of difficulty managing time efficiently, I have to admit that I love the way these things keep me busy and focused. Besides, I am feeling a whole lot more productive each time I put a tick to the task completed! I find myself smiling a lot lately, not because there is anything particularly uplifting happening in my life, but more because I believe in the philosophy that when you smile, everyone smiles with you, and not at you. With the dawn of the new year, it instills in me the faith in the power of positive thinking. I start to realize that maybe--just maybe--there is nothing particularly good or bad about a thing; it is bad or good simply due to how you filter it through your analytical brain. Talking about being analytical, there are times when being less analytical helps more! I am the kind of person who breaks a block of...

New Year is on its way, and though I have to admit that I do not feel the slightest excitement about it, I do wholeheartedly hope that 2011 will be a more fruitful year for me, and will be the year I could strike a balance on my emotional being, for it has, no doubt, been on the brink of being torn down. Anyways, i came across a saying in Facebook today which goes, "You cannot expect different results by doing the same things". I think this is going to be a motto for me this new year! I will always repeat this saying over and over in my head to keep myself moving forward in a more productive and satisfactory way. It will serve as a tool that drives me in the direction of more self-satisfaction.

It is raining outside. And every time it rains, it makes me think of stuff. I have no idea why my brain is somehow switched to that "thinking" mode either. Well, can a person like and dislike one thing at the same time? It seems to me that I both like and dislike driving in the rain. For one thing, it is damn sad keeping my hands on the steering wheel being absorbed in the soft music. For another thing, I sort of take pleasure in sheer driving in the flood watching people wading in the flood, people wrapped in plastic raincoats of blue, green, and pink, people simply hovering on the front yard of places looking at the sky wondering when the rain will stop. And then I simply wanna drive nonstop though it is damn frustrating having to navigate my way through the flood and the car crowd. b8ee8328-cbea-4508-9b4d-54ad6f12c6eb 1.03.01

I am sitting at one corner of Gloria Jean's Coffee Shop, and from where I am settling down, I have observed my student Dara for the past 10 mins, seeing him reaching here and there in his black uniform bearing the shop's name, and smiling to all the customers who undoubtedly come from vastly different walks of life. He mostly converses in English since few of the customers here are Khmer in native. I could tell he loves his job! And quite surprisingly I think I love his job too! Suddenly I imagine myself in the States, dressed up in something very similar to what he is wearing, running here and there pleasing the customers, with a big wide grin on my face. I know a less ambitious side of me just wants to try something like this, wants to experience the sheer joy that a simple job like this could bring to my life. One day when I get to study overseas in countries like the States or Australia, I will definitely be the first in line to sign up for such a job:)

Man!!!!!!!!! The feeling I am going through now is so intense and unbearable!!! Pi bak troam nas!!! What is wrong with me??? Ok, I submitted the results late!!! So what?? My students understood!!! But why did this tiny little thing grow into sth so gigantic now?? It is making me feel like a total loser!!! Shit!!!!!!!!!! Man!!!!!!!!!!! I have to heave a long breath in and out quite often to make whatever inside my bloody chest feel better!!!!!!!!!!! And then this stupid mistake makes me feel so lost and confused, not knowing what the heck i am doing exactly!!!!!!!!!!! Damn!!!!!!!! Am I overreacting? But trust me! I am trying to be normal, but I just become so overwhelmed!!!!!!!!!!! This feeling is totally suicidal!!!!!!!!!!!!

The lower half of my body is now desperately in need of some loosing up of muscles! Was out since 9 in the morning and was only back home fifteen minutes ago. I did not get myself into anything that required much physical work, though. It was all about rehearsing my vocal today! Man! Cant believe that I started singing from 10 in the morning up till 7 30 in the evening. Thanks and credits to ah Thy for his hard work as well!!!

It is Friday the 13th! Besides the fact that my car was submerged in the flood on the way back to Ty's house, there was no other misfortune for today. But then suddenly lying on my back on this soft bed of mine, I am in the mood for something alcoholic, something like a cocktail. I have no idea why this sudden upsurge of desire either! I am not sad about anything. Nor am I happy. Well, I have to admit that it is freaking insane how your brain makes you want something, even if it is in the middle of the night like this!

Marriage! Yeah, marriage! This word now is mentioned more ridiculously often within my earshot, and it is obviously reflective of the fact that I am getting older in age with each ticking second and that marriage is somewhat around the corner. This being said does not necessarily imply that I am in desperate need of the tying of knots! However, I do not deprive myself of the opportunity to genuinely consider what makes up my ideal marriage either. Getting married is no child's play, and it means a whole lot more than its ceremonial nature. Getting married is about understanding, compromise, commitment, responsibility and love. Couples who think they can persevere against all odds simply because of pure love are wrong! At least, I think they are! And while people often grimace at the thought of being married to someone arranged by their parents, it is not always true that love marriage does bring so much joy either! Speaking of arranged marriage, I am reminded of my brother's up...

It is already 11 at night, and given how exhausted I am with the marking, I should have already fallen into the delicious slumber, but I just feel that there are so many things at night, especially at this late hour of the night, to enjoy. To me, it is during this hour of tranquility that everything is at its best blossoming period. Gazing out of the window, I can barely see anything. But there is something about this darkness and quietness that really gives me the comfort, the kind of comfort that soothes the day-long exhaustion. And I am wondering whether the dimly-lit rooms I see across my room are occupied by people who love nighttime as much as I do, or whether the lights in those rooms are still on simply because they stay up late to finish off their tasks, much to their frustration. The best thing about it is the sense of peace that I get to experience. For some good hours, at least, I do not have to bear with the boisterous hustle and bustle of life. Nor do I have to give a dam...

It was 12 30. It was at that precise moment that I received the phone call. It was a short clear conversation. It did impact me, yeah. But it was all for the best. And I think I am okay!