Riding Through it All ...

Care... This word has been used so often in our everyday lives that few pause to ponder over its actual meaning. While a variation of definitions surfaces, I do believe that a big bunch who does truly filter this word through the analytical process of the brain will nod their heads in agreement with my definition! To me, to care for your best friend or someone who matters a lot to you means more than just to visit the person in the hospital when he is seriously sick or when half of his leg is cut off. Nor does it simply refer to a few hours of talk when the person is heartbroken. Care also does embrace the little not-very-significant events that befall the person, and therefore, land the person in the state of sorrow--if not depression. A simple text to ask whether the person is doing okay, however insignificant it may seem, in fact, does lift up the spirit of the person in a surprising way. So does the straight look in the eyes followed by sincere words of concern, "Are you okay?...

New Year is on its way, and though I have to admit that I do not feel the slightest excitement about it, I do wholeheartedly hope that 2011 will be a more fruitful year for me, and will be the year I could strike a balance on my emotional being, for it has, no doubt, been on the brink of being torn down. Anyways, i came across a saying in Facebook today which goes, "You cannot expect different results by doing the same things". I think this is going to be a motto for me this new year! I will always repeat this saying over and over in my head to keep myself moving forward in a more productive and satisfactory way. It will serve as a tool that drives me in the direction of more self-satisfaction.

I feel the intense feeling of disappointment here in my chest! I feel I have lost my best friend! This reshapes my view about having a best friend. I have to admit that NOW i start to lose trust in bestfriendship. I really do!

It is 1 pm on a Wednesday afternoon, and I am listening to these great songs by Carrie Underwood. She is very talented, i must say! And her voice just reaches out to touch my soul! I have to admit that I get goosebumps listening to her songs.

It is a Friday night! I love other Friday nights, but not this one! I was out driving around the city for two hours aimlessly, and man!!!! It sucked!!!! It made me feel emotionally dependent. It is funny that loneliness has always been a part of my life, yet I seem not to be able to cope with it so well. And as I am typing this, I am wondering whether it is possible to actually enjoy yourself ALONE????

I am supposed to attend my law classes at UC this evening, but the thing is I am not in the mood to do so; therefore, I end up seeking comfort from this soft convenient couch at Nosh Cafe. It is just 6 20 PM over here, and I am the only guest in the restaurant. It is lonely, yeah! But well what can you say? After all, loneliness is part of life. One way or another you get lonely once in a while. Anyways, this place is a really cosy relaxing place! The special thing about this place is the live musical performance available here! I have to admit that a big piece of my life would be missing without music, and this place offers just the right type that i dearly love! Besides, I have performed here quite often too...

It is a gloomy day! I am sure people who are going through some sort of emotional hardship will not be able to resist the negative impacts that the rainy weather has on them, and will therefore break down hugging themselves in tears at one corner of the room or something like that. It has been raining all day long. Some say there is storm at this place and that place, but I am not sure who to believe. Anyway, i have finally managed to find my comfort zone here at GJC. And with the steamy creamy hot chocolate i have ordered, it warms my heart against the harsh coldness outside. I happen to be sitting close to these two rich-looking ladies. Of course, they are rich or at least appear to be rich. They are wearing dazzling diamond rings. The handbags they are using are the designer products. And of course the looks! And they are having a "rich" conversation as well! The topics range from the GS 300 car they have just bought to the overseas trips to New Zealand and to the thousand...

The rain had been pouring down for more than half an hour already, and there was still no sign of slacking off. The sky was pitch dark now though Ratha's watch had just struck 6 30pm. It was almost impossible to stay sheltered from the windy rain under the old IFL bridge. The chill was running down his spine, and despite the fact that he hugged himself to keep warm, he had little success with it. It took him some good minutes to realize that he was not the only one seeking shelter and comfort from this decades old bridge whose paints were peeling off, and which was probably ranked as the ugliest bridge of all. Ten meters away below the bridge stood a girl with arms around herself, and her backpack school bag slung over her shoulder. She was occasionally casting glances at her watch as if by doing so, she would be able to speed up the time. IFL was now deserted. The faint yellow lights of the lamp posts cast their shadow eerily on certain spots of the compound. Ratha wanted to appr...

Just realize that it hurts when you cut your own flesh! But then sometimes it's too much to bear with.

Well I have not seen my elder bro for two days already. There is no doubt that he has been so busy with work these days, which is obviously a good thing in the financial aspect. But then he loses his temper so easily now. Just a simple phone call from me to ask where he is could make him hit the roof. Of course, I do not take any of this to heart, for I understand someone with all this amount of work to handle everyday is already having a hard time physically and psychologically, and the last thing I wish to do is to add more stress to the existing amount. But then when my exhaustion sets in, I could be real nasty with him too. I learn to curb my anger and frustration more now in his presence, though. It only resurfaces when his attitude is a little extreme, when he needs someone harsh enough like me to tell him in the face to stop. And yeah, it works! b8ee8328-cbea-4508-9b4d-54ad6f12c6eb 1.03.01

Throughout a life journey, there are lots of moments. Moments you laugh out loud till you get the stitches in your stomach. Moments you cry your heart out because you lose someone dearest to you. Moments you stand motionless mesmerized by the beauty of the surroundings and that of your lover. Moments of silence that seems so loud because everyone in the room is so overwhelmed by one particular piece of devastating news. And September 15 is one of those moments! It is the moment that scars and scares you. It is the moment that makes you feel the twist and turn in the stomach. It is the moment that makes those little scalding teardrops roll down your face. It is the moment that comes haunting you with memories, good and bad. It is one of those moments of a lifetime! ................. Yet it is the onset of the new beginning! b8ee8328-cbea-4508-9b4d-54ad6f12c6eb 1.03.01

It is raining outside. And every time it rains, it makes me think of stuff. I have no idea why my brain is somehow switched to that "thinking" mode either. Well, can a person like and dislike one thing at the same time? It seems to me that I both like and dislike driving in the rain. For one thing, it is damn sad keeping my hands on the steering wheel being absorbed in the soft music. For another thing, I sort of take pleasure in sheer driving in the flood watching people wading in the flood, people wrapped in plastic raincoats of blue, green, and pink, people simply hovering on the front yard of places looking at the sky wondering when the rain will stop. And then I simply wanna drive nonstop though it is damn frustrating having to navigate my way through the flood and the car crowd. b8ee8328-cbea-4508-9b4d-54ad6f12c6eb 1.03.01

I am sitting at one corner of Gloria Jean's Coffee Shop, and from where I am settling down, I have observed my student Dara for the past 10 mins, seeing him reaching here and there in his black uniform bearing the shop's name, and smiling to all the customers who undoubtedly come from vastly different walks of life. He mostly converses in English since few of the customers here are Khmer in native. I could tell he loves his job! And quite surprisingly I think I love his job too! Suddenly I imagine myself in the States, dressed up in something very similar to what he is wearing, running here and there pleasing the customers, with a big wide grin on my face. I know a less ambitious side of me just wants to try something like this, wants to experience the sheer joy that a simple job like this could bring to my life. One day when I get to study overseas in countries like the States or Australia, I will definitely be the first in line to sign up for such a job:)

hort nas... kmean ey hort jeang kah bak terk chet teh...

Man!!!!!!!!! The feeling I am going through now is so intense and unbearable!!! Pi bak troam nas!!! What is wrong with me??? Ok, I submitted the results late!!! So what?? My students understood!!! But why did this tiny little thing grow into sth so gigantic now?? It is making me feel like a total loser!!! Shit!!!!!!!!!! Man!!!!!!!!!!! I have to heave a long breath in and out quite often to make whatever inside my bloody chest feel better!!!!!!!!!!! And then this stupid mistake makes me feel so lost and confused, not knowing what the heck i am doing exactly!!!!!!!!!!! Damn!!!!!!!! Am I overreacting? But trust me! I am trying to be normal, but I just become so overwhelmed!!!!!!!!!!! This feeling is totally suicidal!!!!!!!!!!!!

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The lower half of my body is now desperately in need of some loosing up of muscles! Was out since 9 in the morning and was only back home fifteen minutes ago. I did not get myself into anything that required much physical work, though. It was all about rehearsing my vocal today! Man! Cant believe that I started singing from 10 in the morning up till 7 30 in the evening. Thanks and credits to ah Thy for his hard work as well!!!

It is Friday the 13th! Besides the fact that my car was submerged in the flood on the way back to Ty's house, there was no other misfortune for today. But then suddenly lying on my back on this soft bed of mine, I am in the mood for something alcoholic, something like a cocktail. I have no idea why this sudden upsurge of desire either! I am not sad about anything. Nor am I happy. Well, I have to admit that it is freaking insane how your brain makes you want something, even if it is in the middle of the night like this!

Dear Vendy, Watching you screw your life saddens me. It is high time you got to your feet and started doing things without procrastinating, things that are of great priority and importance. Listen, you have a whole life ahead of you! If you keep on lazing around, you will look back one day and sulk in remorse. You know what your goals are! You know the means! Go ahead! Of course, there are some fears lurking somewhere inside you, but you just need to face them since the only way to conquer your fears is to face them! Stay focused! And let the rational part of you comes into play the way it did years back! On the other hand, let your emotional part take the backseat since it has been at wheel for too long, and because of it, your life has been miserable enough! Besides, you need to say "No" with emphasis. It might not be the type of thing you would do, but you just need to do it with skills and styles if you want the best you can possibly expect to get from your life. I will k...

Marriage! Yeah, marriage! This word now is mentioned more ridiculously often within my earshot, and it is obviously reflective of the fact that I am getting older in age with each ticking second and that marriage is somewhat around the corner. This being said does not necessarily imply that I am in desperate need of the tying of knots! However, I do not deprive myself of the opportunity to genuinely consider what makes up my ideal marriage either. Getting married is no child's play, and it means a whole lot more than its ceremonial nature. Getting married is about understanding, compromise, commitment, responsibility and love. Couples who think they can persevere against all odds simply because of pure love are wrong! At least, I think they are! And while people often grimace at the thought of being married to someone arranged by their parents, it is not always true that love marriage does bring so much joy either! Speaking of arranged marriage, I am reminded of my brother's up...

The trip to KPS was exhausting but it was worth all the long drive all the way from PP! It was certainly a breather for me, giving me the chance to gasp for fresh pristine air away from the hustle and bustle of the polluted PP city life. And from this trip I learnt a touching life story and suddenly it brought back memories again! Sometimes all it takes is just a little nostalgic goodie like this story i am going to share to really knock some senses into you, to really remind you that there are so many things in your life that you should be thankful for, and to really make you realize that whining is what a baby does and that it will not bear you any fruit. Anyway, let's just skip things a bit and then move to the core part. It all stemmed from this visit of an old relative who also happened to be my dad's old co-worker. However, it had been quite a while since they last kept in touch, no thanks to the arguments they had had at the workplace. Since then less was spoken of him, ...

It is already 11 at night, and given how exhausted I am with the marking, I should have already fallen into the delicious slumber, but I just feel that there are so many things at night, especially at this late hour of the night, to enjoy. To me, it is during this hour of tranquility that everything is at its best blossoming period. Gazing out of the window, I can barely see anything. But there is something about this darkness and quietness that really gives me the comfort, the kind of comfort that soothes the day-long exhaustion. And I am wondering whether the dimly-lit rooms I see across my room are occupied by people who love nighttime as much as I do, or whether the lights in those rooms are still on simply because they stay up late to finish off their tasks, much to their frustration. The best thing about it is the sense of peace that I get to experience. For some good hours, at least, I do not have to bear with the boisterous hustle and bustle of life. Nor do I have to give a dam...

It was 12 30. It was at that precise moment that I received the phone call. It was a short clear conversation. It did impact me, yeah. But it was all for the best. And I think I am okay!

It has been a while since I last got things off my chest here! I miss blogging! There were a couple of times when I got stuck and stared at the blank page here for some good minutes, racking my clogged-up brain for things to write about here. More often than not, it was not because I had nothing to say, but it was, in fact, due to the great and overwhelming quantity that was the hindrance--I simply did not know which to start with first, and at times I felt too overwhelmed to start with anything at all. Yeah, overwhelmed! I am more than sure it does sound a little silly to say that I am indeed overwhelmed with things--though I have just a foggy idea about what the things really are exactly. It is true that lately I have not gone through any bitter experiences in particular, whether it is something to do with family or romance, but the feeling I am going through is just too much to bear with at times. This whole ridiculous thing about feeling eludes the possibility of being put into pr...

Guess what? I have to admit that I believe in the highs and the lows of luck now! I remember reading this horoscope, and it says that Love Star is in my chart this year. To me, it is lame! But now that things have happened almost effortlessly lately, I start to think that perhaps I should give credits to what are predicted about me in the book. It is easy to just turn people down without hurting them. I have my own way of doing that, and it works! But it is anything but easy when you find yourself stuck in between two people, both of whom have always been on your list. It is probably the topic of ridicule when people come to think of this! But it is one hell of a nerve-racking decision I have to make! Pheary told me to go with the flow, and i think for the current situation I am being in now, this suggestion makes perfect sense to me. Nevertheless, the flow here tends to go in the direction of the girl who bravely poured her innermost feeling to me. A few days earlier, I updated my s...

The heat of the afternoon sun was beating hard on me despite the fact that I stayed in shades most of the time. Bathed in perspiration, I thought of the cool soothing sensation that Oishi would be able to provide me. I jumped to my feet and made my way towards the canteen. The school was then almost deserted because the Open Debate Forum had been brought to a close half an hour ago. While some other adjudicators had already set off, I was still lingering on the campus to keep Pagna and Vina company. Here and there, students in light pink Debate T-shirts huddled, engrossed in conversations which were barely audible but which occasionally broke into boisterous laughter. On the edges of the pond perched some other students in various colors. My gaze fell upon a lady student who was dressed up neatly in school uniform at the furthest corner. Given my bad eyesight, it took me some good seconds before I could figure out that she was my student. It was evident that she was being carried away ...

It struck me with a devastating blow. My jaw literally dropped wide-open. I had to pause for a while to let things sink in a bit, to buy myself time to process the whole shattering story. To ensure all this was not merely a fragment of my imagination, I looked straight into the eyes of the person who had poured the heart out to me a few seconds earlier, and searched for the answer. It was all in those eyes! It was no mistake! It was the truth! Suddenly, I f elt half-asleep and half-awake. Those many shops, the crowd , and the noise seemed to blend together and seemed to revolve around me with the speed of a lightning. Despite how much I wished it had been a dream, i know deep down that it would never be!. Never!

I feel I am standing alone at the peak of this mountain. Coldness pervades through every inch of my entire body. All I can do to keep myself warm is to hug my trembling body tightly with my both arms. The occasional chilly breeze sends this cold tingling sensation from my neck down to the base of my spine. I swivel around, desperately hoping any of my friends are in sight. The more often I do so, the more convinced I am of the painful truth that I AM ALONE.

"Go hang out with your friends lah!" This is what people will say to me when I tell them about how boredom keeps torturing me. It is true that hanging out friends does help a lot. However, the worst scenario is when you are dying to get out to have fun but then this thought of knowing that none of your friends is around or available strikes me with a blow. And this is what i am talking about when I say I am bored!!! There have been a lot of occasions on which I drop in on certain places alone. But after ten minutes or so of undergoing the "alone" feeling I feel fed up and start leaving again. Now both staying locked up in my room and going out aimlessly alone are the only remaining options. I do not want to keep whining about this to people around because I am sure they will judge me one way or the other without making any attempt to understand me. I know this sounds really pathetic. And I really hope these days will soon pass too! Some people even come up with such...

I am so restless, not because I have nothing to do, though. Actually there are so many school tasks that are to be completed. But I am not in the mood at all. Sitting here, so many thoughts start emerging in abundance out of nowhere. And one of the silliest is the question about how many people would cry over my dead body if, say, suddenly I dropped dead or sth like that. Would there be many people bursting into tears wishing more than anything to have me back alive? Would my death make any difference in their life? Would some even want to follow suit? Would this grievance last long? Just something interesting to consider!

It is another boring and lonely day! Getting bored at home, but also getting bored going out alone. My world is so closing in upon me now! Thanks to the home internet, at least, there is something i could do to keep myself preoccupied... There is a birthday party this evening, though. It's the usual drinking routine i will have with my cousins...well it will be fun, m sure...though it is not happiness, it is definitely a pleasure...

Things seem to come crushing down all in a flash, all at once. As a result I kind of feel that the slowly revolving world of mine is now spinning, and I kind of feel a little dreamy at the same time. Well, so far I have been soooo surprised three times this month, and each time it sets my mind reeling in a way it never does before. After all, life is indeed a hallway full of surprises in store for us.

Just imagine being able to control your emotions at will! Awesome! Instead of having certain feelings you should not be having, you could choose to feel the way you want to. Then there would be no more emotional and psychological conflict between what you are feeling and what you should be feeling. There are certain feelings which should never emerge at all. And these feelings persist sometimes despite the self-awakening calls from within that shout silently so that you would not be having those feelings, but to no avail. Just like how robots could be mal-programmed, human beings could have been too, no thanks to whoever created the very first human on the planet. In a way being robot-like is good. These robots function at a command. All it takes is just a light push on the button somewhere found on the robot and it just stops dead. No more lingering feelings. No more persisting emtional conflict within. How I wish I could have this kind of control over emotions too!

I have met a lot of people, but so far only a few have those eyes, the watery eyes which literally sparkle, the pair of eyes from which you never wanna take your gaze away! It is a great feeling to be LOST in someone's eyes:-)

It has been a long long time since I last wrote anything about love. But now that i feel overwhelmed I need to get it off my chest. I have been through pain and joy, some excruciating indeed, and some sweeping you off your feet. It is also true that I have built a foundation about love theory so firmly established through my own personal experience and through other people's experiences. And each time the topic of love is in the air, I never fail to take an unswerving stance upon that foundation before I make any judgements or give romantic advice. According to many, love is blind. Others say love means sacrifice, while the most daring of all claim that love is madness. At this point, I realize that people tend to paint either a very grim or a very rosy picture of love as a result of the experiences they have undergone, the experiences that shape and mold and, sometimes cloud, their judgements related to love. However, there has always been this nagging doubt inside my head about ...

It has been raining all day long. Though it is quite soggy to walk in the rain and though I am nothing but inapt to do so, no thanks to my frail physical health at the moment, I have to admit that I do enjoy everything about the rain. And I have so many memories with the rain, both bitter and sweet. I remember one evening long long time ago when the rain was coming down in torrential downpours. The sky was a long stretch of dark clouds. The rain had been raining so heavily that my teacher of English was nowhere in sight. Despite how much I really wanted more than anything to go back home, I had no choice but to wait for my elder brother to pick me up as he had always did. It was before long that I could discern my brother in yellow plastic raincoat from the distance, wading through the slightly-flooded school playground towards my class. Without further ado, I frantically packed my things and squeezed them into my tiny little backpack. "Let's go! Here is another raincoat!...