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Whine whine and whine some more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My brain is still in an overdrive mode. It is crazy how my brain will not stop thinking about work. I used to be able to manage work-life balance really well. But these past few months ever since I got the new role, and with the sheer amount of responsibility and decision that is dumped on me, I feel like I am barely gasping for air. So yeah, that is probably why a few nights ago, I thought of blogging. I can write my thoughts into words any way I want and in any lengthy, dramatic manner I want. I mean, if you see my Facebook, you will know it is now a public page! Yup, you would not have seen it coming right? I post pictures and work-related content. There is barely any trace of my personal life left up there, except for the bits and crumbs of the parts I want to show people. So in other words, I cannot whine! And now that I am living in BMC, away from family and friends, with frenemies all around me, with people I can barely trust, I bottle a lot of things up. But well, I guess that
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2022!!!!!!!!!

This is just a test to see if people these days still read blogs!!!!! Well, I have to admit I did not see it coming--I did not see myself crawling down this rabbit hole, and now here I am, reading those old posts and comments!!! Can you believe it has been 5 years since that "Dear You" post? My god! And kudos to that sentiment that was felt throughout the post, it was so raw and real. But now that I visited the post, it is amazing how time really healed everything. Reading that post is like walking down an art gallery with supercuts of my life framed nicely on the wall, but the thing is the feeling was gone. It almost felt like reading about someone else, not me. And the comments! My God, I remember how tight the blogger group was! I would always look forward to the juicy part of their posts, and would always come up with something witty to spam the comment section! It is crazy how you just moved long with life and you keep looking forward but the moment you look back, you re
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Dear You

Dear you, We never started out the way we intended to. We were two strangers. In fact, we were two strange people. Because we were what people would call “weird”, we started talking and before we knew it, we couldn’t stop. We talked and we talked some more. We talked about things as tiny as why yellow lights over green or red to matters as complicated as the world’s politics. The more I talked to you, the more and the harder I fell. You never ceased to amaze me! I was moved by your depth. I fell in love with the deep dark beautiful soul lurking within you, and I kept thinking, “How could anyone think this is too much?” I loved watching your eyes sparkle when you passionately talked about How I Met Your Mother or Taylor Swift or that movie we had just seen. To you, it wasn’t just a tv series, a song or a movie. It always meant more to you the way it did to me. Something a lot of people would never understand. I found that shared understanding in you. The empathy you had for your fr
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Heartbeat

I am placing my right hand on my chest, and I can feel my heart beating underneath the ribs. Heartbeats. Irregular heartbeats. It was an overwhelming week for me. Or weeks. I am being very observing of these parts of my body. The organs. The cells. I am observing how they are responding to this chemical substance that is responsible for the sadness I am feeling. It is strange how fleeting images of certain people--certain scenes from my life--flash right before my eyes. When I am clearly digesting that one single line from the book. When I am concentrating on that heart-wrenching murder scene. When I am distractedly gazing at my shaking hand. I keep feeling my heartbeat. I keep noticing my breathing. Is that how a heartache feels like? 
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Jigsaw

My two-day getaway trip just ended, and here I am, all by myself, doing the things I love. I love the fact that Phnom Penh has that laid-back, lazy, holiday-ish mood to it now that people have not returned from their respective destinations. Anyway, I just took great pleasure in reading PM's second post on her private blog, and I was sincerely happy seeing that she made the effort to be active on her second blog (3rd? 4th?). She wrote about friends not having the traits she desired. I got over that for quite some time now! And I have come to the realisation that these friends are like missing pieces of the jigsaw. You take one piece from this friend and another from that friend to fit everything together to form a complete jigsaw. The important thing is the knowledge of which friend plays his part best in which scenario. There is a saying that goes, "You can't expect a bird to hold and a hand to fly". It is true in every way! A bird can fly, and a hand can hold.
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Empathy … or not?

Everyday at work is a behavioural experiment to me. I try new persona and observe and see what work in what situations and what don't. I guess I have always been very observing from the start, and I have that empathy that draws me to people with troubling problems! While a lot of people communicate at ease, others find it hard to just lock eyes and strike a conversation. As a teacher, I did tap into that skill of mine, but not to the point where i myself have to try on new persona.  I know I have a pair of attentive ears! I am that friend who listens to your problems and makes you feel appreciated. But then that was it! At one point I thought that empathy that was built in me was more of a curse than a blessing because of the long history I had with friends. Not until quite recently did I learn that I could put it to use in the work environment as well--though with caution.  What I do is I prey upon those with vulnerabilities, those with pressing issues, and you know wh
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Grieving

Grieving is very important and super healthy. At least, that's how it works for me. That is how I deal with losses, not necessarily only of loved ones, but also of opportunities that I have high hopes for. There is a saying that goes: "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst". The truth is you can never prepare for the worst! And you can never lower your expectations to the point where you don't get disappointed with the results if they turn out to be different from what you want. However, instead of cutting yourself off from the world to grieve--it could be a day or two or a little longer, some manage to put on a smile and try to convince themselves they are okay because they are prepared EMOTIONALLY even though clearly nobody can prepare feelings for anything. Feelings are not items you can put on the shelf for public display once you are happy or pack them back in the box once  your mood swings to the darker thoughts. Admit you feel sad! Admit you feel disapp
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