A stranger within YOU

Has it ever occurred to you that there is actually a stranger lurking somewhere inside you? Maybe it sounds really mental and freaking weird here. But I really can’t help brooding over this. And the more I think of it, the more it becomes crystal clear it is indeed true that a stranger is actually living my life, a stranger who has eaten up half of my real “self”, shrouding me with a totally new cover to form a person I hardly recognize. There are times when I feel really happy, but why in God’s name do I look far from happy? It is at this point that people view me in a rather negative light. Even so, the last thing I ever wish to do is, of course, to blame them. I am more than sure that they will never be able to understand me. And then there are other times when I wish more than anything to become very close to certain people. However, my attitudes towards them betray me. Nothing but coldness always hangs in the air in their presence, much to my perplexity. I remember being approached by this friend of mine, and then she went, “Why is it that sometimes you look very sad and sometimes you look very happy? As if you were two different persons?” It came to me as a devastating blow, I must say, since it wasn’t until when I was asked the question that the shocking realization came piercing through me, injecting a belief that my “self” was being shared by two different persons. Or maybe not persons.

Those of you who have stumbled upon this Japanese thriller known as “Number 13” will surely have a better picture of what I am trying to say. A body shared by two different souls, a bad and a good! More often than not, understanding ourselves about why we do what we do even if what we do should not be done can really get on our nerves, and it often goes unnoticed that we can hardly understand ourselves, let alone others!

Comments

Pagna said…
Can I say some words?
I know you have read a lot of books and what I need to remind you is in every book there is/are ideology behind and that is the power of attraction.
There are time when everyone feel lose about what they are doing and who they are and i guess it is because that person is too free.
What I mean is, keep yourself busy with the stuff you like and feel it is useful. Do not leave to much freetime for free-thought. It spoils you!

Wow, my comment this time is a bit long!
Pagna said…
Oh i forge to say, the ideologies in the books u read have lots of influence on you. So be more careful!
Hey thanks ,pagn! But are you saying that i am being driven mad cos of those boooks, which you believe to be squeezed with ideologies? well, in a waym you are right about the bad impact of having too much free time. But when you come to think of it, it kinda sounds really true, you know!
Anonymous said…
Oh well, there are millions YOUs in YOU! And it goes the same to everyone!
Anonymous said…
I have watched HEROES and there is one character whose body is shared between 2 souls. Sometimes one shows instead of the other. I totally understand what you are trying to say in your post. It happens to me too...to be very honest, i treat my loved ones (i mean my parents and my brothers) very harshly (i mean i raise my voice at them and do anything, but what i want to do to show my love to them...) This is just an example. I have done and said so many things to those i care about and wished i never done or said it in the first place. I agree there are 2 of me inside me-one is strong & hot-tempered and one is weak & soft-hearted.
Rithy said…
Hey Ven, i wish i had" Number 13" with me so that i could possibly have a better picture of what messasge you are trying to convey here(i was wondering if you had it with you now and could in anyway lend it to me..hehe.)...but as far as i understand from the description of yourself at the present time, i somehow come to realize that you are not being yourself enough as who Vendy is..i suggest you find out who you are and who that bloody stranger is..kick him out of yourself..Dont care how others view you coz they dont know you...be yourself and show the gooddamn world that this is Vendy, the only person in yourself.
Barbie said…
Pagna>> Heh Heh Yep ur last 2 comments on Ven and P.M.'s blogs are in a longer length. Hoping to read more long comments from you, Pagna. Anyway, I do agree with wat you said lah, cuz when we make ourselves busy, we won't have time to think about anything. Oh well, I still can't afford to make maself as a carefree gal all the time lolz.(^,^)Bad day goes and comes la!

Vendy>> You're just like me, Ven, and so is everyone. You C? Even we ourselves don't even know wats going on with us? Pretty complicated, isn't it? Whewww

Oh almost forget! Nice black and white template, Vendy. Easy to read unlike mine. My world is PINK, but well, I can do nth cuz I luv PINK too much. Heh Heh, have you got any bruises yet from my pinky falling hearts? Just kidding lah!
Unknown said…
Oops, ven how come dude u resort to the black again? hahha... well, ven, sometimes don't put urself into trouble too much.. i mean people might be different from what they look. we can't expect a joyful person to be happy. sometimes a joyful person is filled with sorrow. u're jst like me, u know why i'm saying this? i'm also moody sometimes. when u see me smiling or laughing, don't expect its a true smile, sometimes i just put it on the fake smile. i'm saying this jst to remind u that no one is happy all the time. there's some moments we are not happy too.

To Pagn: it's good to busy urself sometimes but that's not a good solution. i think we should get the probs solved rather than let it go as u can forget it the moment u're busy, but how about ur free time? u're not busy 24/7 so haha... it's longer now, Pagn!!! well said! keep it up ur comment! hah i've read nothing abt these ideologies, so dun understand much! maybe i read too much from u guys that's why!

To Pheaktra: Hei, why are we trying so much just to be two-soul person? well, do ur best to be one, the happiest one with no much sorrow! dun cling on with the old things which are not worth ur thought!

To Thy: my friend, finally u come up again! haha i neva heard of that "number 13" before but i could catch up with what he tried to mention haha... but not all, some thoughts are too profound, i'm not yet enlightened! hei, thy, i wonder how to get rid of that stranger huh? remember, saying is one thing, but doing is another. can u do it anyway? prove us!

To Barbie: hei, barbie, busy urself reading blogs and comments lolz.. this is one best way already! i'm sure u'll come up with no free time to think of bad moments! sometimes it's so confused cuz we don't know ourself clearly, so find it out first, well, who i am adequately? i dun noe...
Pagna said…
Anyway Ven! I love ur old theme. This one is toooooo unlovely!
Rithy said…
hey ofcourse i know the differences between the theory and practice, dude! knowing the two persons in you is the frist step..sometimes the stranger is not really strange, s/he is just a part of you whose actions and feelings the other you cannot totally control..i fully understand Pheaktra's idea about the two persons in him especially when it comes to family..Personally, i could be very agressive sometimes. there were times when i raised my voice at my parents,too, especially to my dad..i know bloody well that this is not me, coz for God's sake, i know i love him and he loves me..but why on earth was i doing this?? sometimes i cried myself for the things ive been doing, and i realized just how much i love people around me..but i just didnt know how to express it the right way.

So, back to the second step of the solution, try your best to control your actions and feelings, take a deep breathe and tell yourself this is devil...well...i know, again, it sounds so theoretical, you wont understand it well until you have experienced it yourself one day like me and perhaps Pheaktra...you need time to find out how this works and even more time to try to control those feelings coz theyve been with you like forever...
Sopheary said…
Ven, you're not the only one who has two personalities. I've met a friend of mine who claims that she can be completely three different persons. So it's simple to be happy today and sad tomorrow. This is what everyone is. What catches my attention is the fact that u said you wish more than anything to be close to certain people but doing it seems to be out of your reach. It's true. That's what i've noticed in you, too, and I think it's because (forgive me if it's offending. I'm just being honest.) you don't have a knack of getting close to people that fast.
Hmm... just like rithy said. I wish I have read that book so that I can get what exactly u r trying to say. Hmm.. dun worry, at least, u r different from the one in Heroes (hehe.. cos if u r the same, u're gonna be a bit of psyco as her :p) to me, it's just that u guy think too much. There are people who are easily sad or happy and if i were to describe them, I'd say they're moody. No worry! U're cool now.. hehe
Hey it's 19 05 now, according to this clock in this internet shop at Sorya. I was buying some dvds, you see...and i suddenly decided to pop in here to check out how many comments i would have got. And now it becomes crystal clear that you guys are really big contributors to my blog hehehe...thanks, guys...(sorry the into seems to be a bit lengthy here. hope you guys can bear with it heheh)...
Ok...the first reply goes to Vattey! So are you saying that everyone is undergoing what i am right now? But what from these guys have said, some of them can hardly undertsand my point, you see!
To Pheaktra: really, pheaktra? So you are going through the same sensation too? Bet you must understand very well how hard it is at times. You are in a better situation, though, since you are fully aware of who the two persons living in yourself are. Heroes? I haven't watched that one yet, so basically i dunno about the character in the movie. But i am sure it must be real hard coping with three instead of just two.
To Rithy: I'd love to lend you that dvd if it is still with me, but i dunno where it is exactly now. Searching for who i really am can be real hard, you know! I mean, of the twos, i dunno which is the real "me"--if you get what i mean. And sometimes i just kinda feel so lost cos i have done things i should not have. This is really stupid! Remember about the iddentity confusion thing from FE? i think i am suffering from it now. Anyway, i am sorry, dude, for reminding you of your dad. Really am!! I think i undertand how that feels exactly. You know, saying things that really hurt our parents sometimes if it is the last thing we wish to do. By the way, Pheaktra is a gal.
To Barbie: it is very complicated, indeed! I think it has EVERYTHING to do with psychology. Pretty out of hands! And yeah...thanks for the compliment!! I think yours is very attractive too, you know, in a very female way--get what i mean?
To Hour: yours is the longest as ever, dude! You are still holding the record for that. Keep it up, dude! Being sad and sometimes happy is a way of life and i am perfectly clear with that, but in my case, it is not just about that, you know. It's like i dunno what in God's name is wrong with me exactly. I do things that my real "self" does not wish to. I wish i had "The Number 13" with me now. And yeah i know nobody in this world is happy all the time.
Anonymous said…
To Vendy: No one would really fully understand what you are saying until that person has gone through it. They might not have experienced it yet or they might not have but they didnt really do much reflection. So yeap! But dont worry! Everyone will get a chance to experience such thing, just a matter of time :)
To PM: There is a world of differences between having more than one emotion and having more than one self. In my case it is the latter. Anyway, maybe you are right about the not-having-a-knack part. Maybe it's really true that i really need time to get close to ppl. But for Heaven's sake, THIS IS NOT WHAT MY SELF TELLS TO ME TO DO. i mean, it is not about spending some time so that i can discover whether those ppl are good. i mean, it's just hard to get close to ppl. This is really mental, i know!
To Davuth: So the one in HEROES is being shared by threes? i wish i had come across that before. So she's a psycho? That's bad! i mean, usually ppl with special power are considered as freaks. Hope that i am really COOL as you said.
To Pagn: so you dun like the new skin? well yeah...it's kinda black. Well, it's VERy black indeed! i know you like the previous one cos there is a pic of a sand heart at the top, am i right? You are so into love topics now, you know that?
To vattey: yeah...i think what you say it is true! Experiencing is believing. I always do a lot of thinking about craps when i am alone and free, that's why i come up with a lot of stupid thoughts.
Anonymous said…
To Vendy: Me too! You know what? Now I think doing too much thinking and reflection is not so healthy, you know. So we shall cut down of self reflecting too much. Dont you think so?
Barbie said…
Ven>> If you had to say sorry just becuz ur last post is a bit lengthy, then wat about mine, huh? I have to say sorry to my readers as well then. Well, I was just keep writing and writing, and when it came to the end, nth can be done, its too long to be read already. Heh Heh.

Oh one more thing, Ven. This post is not quite long,just the text is big, but its easy to read either.
Anonymous said…
well the worst case would be a multi-personality disorder. but in my opinion, i believe that you have not understood yourself well enough to actually know what you really want. Sometimes, we thought that we know it but after sometimes we realize that actually that thing that we try to accomplish so far is not what we really want. Understand ourself is already v difficult, so it is even harder for other people to understand u well. haha...honestly speaking, I still don't understand myself that well too. Still a lot more of the mystery to discover. It is alright to be sad and happy sometimes cuz we have feeling and that feeling keeps changing.
Rithy said…
To Ven:
i really thought Pheaktra was a boy. Ok, thank you dude for clearifying..
Anonymous said…
TO Rithy: Yes, i am a girl!
Wah, everyone has so much to say about this issue. Having 2 sides of you which are exactly opposite is so hard because the conflict within you can be out of control at times!
Sopheary said…
Ven, I used to be like you, I mean doing things that is the opposite to what my heart wants to do, but now not anymore. I do things that come out directly from my core, and tell you what? After I've learned how to follow my heart, the color of my life started to change from the dull one to the brighter and more shiny one. Believe me, it's the skill that can be learned. Just do what your inside part tells you and u'll see the magic.
Pagna said…
But PM, sometimes what u really wana do can affect other a lot in some ways and that you cannot follow ur heart but ur head where it balances what should and should not be done.
Rithy said…
To Pagn:
Nice shot Pagn! bravo! but there are times when your head betrays you because of your heart, and thats the time when we are totally out of control, dont you think so?
Rithy said…
To Pheaktra:
hey thanks for directing it to me. ok, you are a girl!
Hey...so the comments are still flowing in dramatically...A big thank goes to each and everyone of you here...

To Vattey: once again, i totally agree with you! i think this kind of self-reflection is good, but then too much of it does more harm than good. Sometimes, i even think that i am being driven mad 'cos of my internal struggle to unmask the real "me".
To Barbie: yeah...yours is kinda long, but i like it that way. i mean, it is like you are giving me a very vivid picture. yeah yeah...the letters are big. You think i should make them smaller?
To Bro Rex: Right! i think i have not understood myself that well despite my relentless internal struggle to discover the real "me". In fact, bro, i think not just the two of us! Maybe everyone out there is embarking upon the journey of self-investigation too. It's just that sometimes it really gives me a headache.
To Pheaktra: Exactly! Bet it must be real hard on you at times, right? Sigh...as for my case, i am not even sure what the two sides are exactly. All i know at the moment is that i am being shared.
To PM: Follow my heart? Nice saying! BUt just like what Pagn said, you can't possibly follow your heart all the time. Anyway, that is a very good advice and i am glad that you are better off now. i think i do follow my heart all the time when i am alone, but not when i am surrounded by others.
To Pagn: so you're suggesting that we follow our head instead of our heart? Well, maybe it's like this! The heart is representative of id; the head is representative of ego. Still remember that from Freud's theory about in-self struggle? Maybe it's that way. Our heart expresses our desire without taking into consideration other real-life factors yet. And it is where our head comes in and balances the possibilities of what we want Vs. what are expected in reality.
To Rithy: There are times when our head betrays us because of our heart and that's the time when we are totally out of control? Well, honestly speaking, you are getting "deep" now. COuld you please clarify your point, dude?
Rithy said…
To Ven:
i did say there are times, did i not? well... lots of people,perhaps including me, claim that they could distinguise between what is right and wrong becuz they have their coconut shell to remind them the dos and donts..but at times the desire of your heart is too strong, you know even beyond what your head can actually control.then your head just let go for a while..and this is exactly the time when you're driven by another person within you..as what you earlier refered to a" Stranger"..well..let me give you a real instance from my own experience..it was last year that i had this argument with my dad..he did not want me to go to thailand for my holiday trip, but for Heaven's sake, i had had my thai visa stamped on my passport already..he was trying to convince me by proving how unstable Thailand was at the time..but as you know me, m stubborn and could be very aggressive at times. finding it hard to hold my temper, i finally shouted at him " I MUST GO!" and shut the door closed. there was a silence. My dad walked away. before long, i burst into tears, crying alone in my room..could you posiblly feel the moments of hard time i was going thorough? Oh God! my head told me that i had broken my dad's heart again, but i dont know why the hell i could not in any way hold it..perhaps you could say i followed my heart too much..yeah i guess i did..but again that was the time i had the two MEs within myself.

well..i hope my example is, to some extend, relevent to the point i want to make..and dont worry about me talking about my dad. i know he always forgave me, and i know he always will..
Unknown said…
Well, well, this time i'm really lost, i'm left behind for what's happened recently haha.. couldn't catch up at all. I was not in the mood as this morning I woke up so late and jst come and blog right away to see anything news wha hahha :) Well, well, what caught my attention was the theory of the head and the heart. Well, i can say sometimes we should follow our heart lah! I bet you guys have the ideas as you all have experienced that not me. Sometimes you should do this, but your heart insist you doing that. Hei, thy, your comments are getting longer and longer now... nice dude! keep it up!

Thy, i'm so sorry to hear all about that... hmm, to be honest, i feel very sad not because of this argument you had with your dad, but of the unawareness u know.. I was not a good friend at all. I should have known all that and at least to share with you, you know.. but well, it's all in the past, so don't dig it out. Just remember that everyone's stubborn and usually our heart force us to do something which is always against our head. We do something against what we are expected to, this is normal already, so no need care that much! count me in dude when you need my help! I'll always be there for you! I understand this feeling because there're times I also experienced this. Thy, i'm sure your dad loves u very much that's why he objected your going to Thailand. WEll, at that time it was so unstable as u knew already. So he has ur interest in heart! Our dad loves us so much!!! I also am delighted that my dad adores me that much too :) much more than I expected sometimes.
To Thy: well, you have made your point very clear now, dude! i even think we can come up with our own heart-vs-head theory now, man! Ok...talking about that experience of yours, i think i undertstand how devastated you were after saying that to your dad. It happened to me too, and in fact, it still des sometimes. i say things to my dad that i should not have and then i start feeling very sad about it. Dude, sure your dad will always forgive you, man! And just like Hour has said, if there is anything you wanna talk about, you can always approach both of us though i have to admit that i am not really good verbally. Anyway, yeah your comments are getting lengthier now. Keep it up, dude!
To Hour: hehe...so you are lost now? Actually, we were talking about the heart and the head, about whether to follow our heart all the time or whether to leave some time for the head to come into play too. Well, dude, i think regretting about what we have done, esp to our parents, happens to most of us, really. So do not feel so bad about yourself! You may approach me when there is anything i can help. I will be more than willing to get you through the emotional hardship, man. After all, this is what frienship is all about:-)
Rithy said…
To Ven and Hour:

Thanks to both of you for being my friends..you are very kind, understading and sharing, and m glad that the example i raised could really bring us the realization of what we've been doing to our loved ones..thank you, mates!
Not at all! Yeah...actually i think we have realised this all along, it is just that we take it for granted most of the time.
Unknown said…
To Ven: err, haha u're not really good? COme on, dude! i'm sure that u're the one we can approach anytime we have sorrow, no money, no job, bored haha.... jst kidding! i'm sure u'd give us such nice advises haha... approach u sometimes, for money!!! since we regret what we've done to our parents, why not just forget it and try to do our best to them instead? i'm so happy to hear that u're willing to give away some money of yours to me when i approach u, that sounds nice, isn't that? hahah :P

To Thy: Come on lah! we've been ur friends, and will always be there for you, anytime, any place.. 24/7 dude! so come! but hei forgive me if i failed to pick up the phone sometimes hhaah it's me, lolz! actually no need thx me that much, jst give me some awards or MONEY instead. :P i love N96 now!
Hey hour, what a good friend you are, approaching me about money issues...hehe...Sure you may but let me make this very clear to you that interests will be charged thrice higher than the usual rates...hehe...
Sopheary said…
To Thy:
Hey, sorry for belated saying to show some care from me to you. I've just finished reading your long comment about your dad. It's really moving. Dunno what to say now besides that, yeah, he has forgiven you; he will always do.
Rithy said…
TO PM:

Thank you PM, you are another one besides Ven and HOur who have warmed my heart...
Unknown said…
hahha u're loan shark or what, ven? how come there's interest rate between friends? what's worse, the rate is higher than that of loanshark's? haha... what a calculating!!!
COme on...HOur! tHis is business, man! i am not taking up business as my major but at least i know sth about it too...tHat is the kind of friend you may look out for when you need money....cOme on, we both benefit! YOu get the money you want, and at the same time, i also earn sth from lending you some money....hehe

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